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50 lines
4.3 KiB
Markdown
50 lines
4.3 KiB
Markdown
---
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title: "Fuck It"
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aliases:
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tags:
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- journal
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---
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15/08/22
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Fuck This Shit.
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I feel sad, but i know I have a sick life. I exercise, I have good genetics, I have awesome friends, I'm healthy, get good grades, not particularly ugly.
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But I have shit social skills.
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I think I need to fix this. These last two/three weeks I have talked to more girls than I have my entire life. But they are online. One of them I did meet with, Larissa, she is very cool. But for some reason I dont find her particularly attractive and I know that shouldn't matter and I don't know why I care about it. Nvm actually I care because It's natural to want an attractive person (obviously). Does this mean I just want to be friends? No, I want to have sex before my 20th birthday.
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Anyway, I got a bit sidetracked there.
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I am getting behind in my uni work. I keep telling myself I work hard enough, harder than most. But people like Luc and Alex work so much harder than me. I tell myself that I don't want to be "excellent", just good enough. And that I don't desire greatness enought to warrant the amount of work required. I think I might just be being lazy.
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I have a stong tendency to reject "popular" things. I have a strong bias towards novelty. Maybe It's because pop music its actually bad or maybe its because I just dont want to be "boring".
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That's my real motivation. I think of myself as a boring person because I can't hold a decent converstation, or speak eloquently. So I try to be interesting in other ways: snowboarding, surfing, music, movies, books, all that. And philosphy. But. But what? Does this make me actually interesting? Some girls in tinder seem to find me entertaining to talk to. But is it just because of the pickup lines and jokes I copied? I guess I'll never know without being origianl. Although, maybe there is an element of orgininality in that I selected the ones I liked. That's definitely a strech.
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"I want a pretty little life" - Ray Gun by the bird and the bee.
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I dont have "big thoughts". I tell myself I don't care about modern politics. Maybe I'm just lazy, to boring and stupid to have an original opinion on world issues.
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Huh, I guess that's normal. I would imagine most people don't have original thoughts about world issues. Just the cool people who I know. And "influencers" who parrot what other people say. I think it was Kant (maybe aristotle, maybe marx) who said something about people not having original thoughts (maybe it was both). Oh, it was kant who said "enlightenment is man's emergence from a self-imposed state of immaturity (nonage?)". Basically what he meant was that from a young age we learn to depend on others — (not sure about the punctuation here) Parents, teachers, coaches, peers, etc. And that most people never learn to think for themselves. This certainly applies to me, I started listening to [philosophize-this](notes/philosophize-this.md) and it made me feel smart. But I never took the time to actually process and engage with the ideas being discussed. I just tried to memorise them and parrot them to friends (At least I never, at least not intentionally, claimed those ideas to be my own).
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Got sidetracked again.
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Just realised I was never on a track to begin with haha. I'm just freestyling baby.
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I'm also a coward. Somehow I managed to get Larissa to meet me at my (parents) place in Wanaka. Then we sat there and watched donnie darko, and I was too much of a pussy to make a move. On second thought, maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe it would have been wrong for me to make a move? I am so afraid of being a creep. Maybe it's because I am a creep. I know thats not a productive thing to think. I have no way to prove myself wrong though because I'm afraid that If i talk to someone about it they out me as a creep.
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Fuck. I'm living my life in fear. Fear of failure, of beinig boring, of being a creep, etc etc. About to cry rn.
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I should have dont this a long time ago. Writing like this makes it easy to think more clearly. Or maybe i'm overthinking. This shit is too hard.
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I'm not sui
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Not gonna finish that sentence.
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Cocteau twins are great btw.
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I'm glad I learnt to type faster. Really helping me. I cant type fast enought that its not frustrating, but it limits the speed of my thinking in a way that allows me to self-evaluate (?). Not sure how to word that.
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I've started to read more recently. Very good decision. I need to |