--- title: "Fuck It" aliases: tags: - journal --- 15/08/22 Fuck This Shit. I feel sad, but i know I have a sick life. I exercise, I have good genetics, I have awesome friends, I'm healthy, get good grades, not particularly ugly. But I have shit social skills. I think I need to fix this. These last two/three weeks I have talked to more girls than I have my entire life. But they are online. One of them I did meet with, Larissa, she is very cool. But for some reason I dont find her particularly attractive and I know that shouldn't matter and I don't know why I care about it. Nvm actually I care because It's natural to want an attractive person (obviously). Does this mean I just want to be friends? No, I want to have sex before my 20th birthday. Anyway, I got a bit sidetracked there. I am getting behind in my uni work. I keep telling myself I work hard enough, harder than most. But people like Luc and Alex work so much harder than me. I tell myself that I don't want to be "excellent", just good enough. And that I don't desire greatness enought to warrant the amount of work required. I think I might just be being lazy. I have a stong tendency to reject "popular" things. I have a strong bias towards novelty. Maybe It's because pop music its actually bad or maybe its because I just dont want to be "boring". That's my real motivation. I think of myself as a boring person because I can't hold a decent converstation, or speak eloquently. So I try to be interesting in other ways: snowboarding, surfing, music, movies, books, all that. And philosphy. But. But what? Does this make me actually interesting? Some girls in tinder seem to find me entertaining to talk to. But is it just because of the pickup lines and jokes I copied? I guess I'll never know without being origianl. Although, maybe there is an element of orgininality in that I selected the ones I liked. That's definitely a strech. "I want a pretty little life" - Ray Gun by the bird and the bee. I dont have "big thoughts". I tell myself I don't care about modern politics. Maybe I'm just lazy, to boring and stupid to have an original opinion on world issues. Huh, I guess that's normal. I would imagine most people don't have original thoughts about world issues. Just the cool people who I know. And "influencers" who parrot what other people say. I think it was Kant (maybe aristotle, maybe marx) who said something about people not having original thoughts (maybe it was both). Oh, it was kant who said "enlightenment is man's emergence from a self-imposed state of immaturity (nonage?)". Basically what he meant was that from a young age we learn to depend on others — (not sure about the punctuation here) Parents, teachers, coaches, peers, etc. And that most people never learn to think for themselves. This certainly applies to me, I started listening to [philosophize-this](notes/philosophize-this.md) and it made me feel smart. But I never took the time to actually process and engage with the ideas being discussed. I just tried to memorise them and parrot them to friends (At least I never, at least not intentionally, claimed those ideas to be my own). Got sidetracked again. Just realised I was never on a track to begin with haha. I'm just freestyling baby. I'm also a coward. Somehow I managed to get Larissa to meet me at my (parents) place in Wanaka. Then we sat there and watched donnie darko, and I was too much of a pussy to make a move. On second thought, maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe it would have been wrong for me to make a move? I am so afraid of being a creep. Maybe it's because I am a creep. I know thats not a productive thing to think. I have no way to prove myself wrong though because I'm afraid that If i talk to someone about it they out me as a creep. Fuck. I'm living my life in fear. Fear of failure, of beinig boring, of being a creep, etc etc. About to cry rn. I should have dont this a long time ago. Writing like this makes it easy to think more clearly. Or maybe i'm overthinking. This shit is too hard. I'm not sui Not gonna finish that sentence. Cocteau twins are great btw. I'm glad I learnt to type faster. Really helping me. I cant type fast enought that its not frustrating, but it limits the speed of my thinking in a way that allows me to self-evaluate (?). Not sure how to word that. I've started to read more recently. Very good decision. I need to keep doing it. Why don't I have cool style? Snowboarding, surfing, writing, photography, art, arts. Maybe I actually do, but I don't have high enough self-esteem to realise it. I wish I could see myself from someone else's perspective. I get plently of compiments about cool tricks, good photos, good surfing. But for some (stupid) reason I dont believe them. Usualy I feel like a sick cunt while I'm snowboarding or surfing or something, but then when I watch the footage, I think I look stupid. Hmmmm, not always though. The Cab 9 on my insta is fucking sick. I know I'm good (at snowboarding) compared to most people, and I should (i think?) be content. Why do I compare myself to people like tiarn, and zoi, and oscar, and mitch, when I know they are the best in NZ. I am merely a weekend warrior, I don't train etc. On the other hand, there are people with far less technical skill than me, who are drippy as fuck. I think I just need to accept my style for what it is, and just focus on (aha moment) *impressing other people* with my techincal skill. Why do I care what others think of my style/skill? I want people to like me. This is normal (I hope). (frank zappa is a legend, blessed relief is a beautiful song). The question is whether I have a normal amount of "wanting people to like me". (could have said that more perfecter, but perfect grammer is not the point of this, im just thinking on my keyboard. I should stop adding these stupid brackets th). Is there a point in wanting people to like you? Yes, it helps to find friends. ( just realised my need to be interesting comes from wanting people to like me) (just realised, fuck I forgot what I realised, need to learn to type faster). Assuming the ultimate goal of my life is to be happy (maybe having different goal like contributing to human progress, whatever that might be, may inadvertently(spelling?) create happiness), having people like me, helps to make friends, form connections, etc, which In turn create happiness(?). Maybe I if just do what I want to be happy, people with like me. Jesus, this is some circular bullshit. I think i should go to therapy. But I know Im never gonna do that because I'm too lazy, and because I keep arguing with myself about needing it. Why am I writing this as if its addressed to someone? With annotations in brackets and stuff. Future self? (hello btw) Some authority (cool person, random redditor, therapist maybe)? Im fucked. No I'm not. I need to just be more accepting. Stoic. No I dont like stoicism, I prefer Nietzsche's [091-nietzsche-wilil-to-power](notes/091-nietzsche-wilil-to-power.md). I think not accepting leads to finding a way to fix it? Maybe stoicism is only about accepting the things you cant control. I think I need to read more about stoicism before I reject it. I'm tolerant of other ideas and cultures I think. Willing to see things from a different perspective. But, maybe I'm just a pushover and don't have any stong beliefs hindering my tolerance. Does there exist a tradeoff between tolerance and belief in ones values? Yes, an extreme example is that I belief in true facts (1 + 1 = 2) and I have no tolerance of people who disagree. But if I didn't believe in anyting, would I be necessarily tolerant of others Ideas? I dont think so. It is also possible for people who believe equally in something do have varied tolerance of other things. I think thats enought for today. I haven't done anything all day, and- I cant be fucked doing uni work. Do I not care enough about what I'm studying? Do I have a good reason to be here? Am I making the most of my time? I think I am making *good enough* maybe even above average use. Above what average dumbass. I dont think it (dont know what to call making the most of your time) can be measured. It's relative to what you want to achieve in life. Which for me is to be happy. Ok, thats good and all but how are you going to be happy? Will to power? Acceptance? Stoicism? Buddism (ha bdsm)? I think It might be more productive to spend time figuring out what I actually want to do, than just doing uni for the sake of it (I am lost in the finite and the infinite at the same time rn) (I could be wrong tho, maybe I don't actually understand what kiekegaard was saying). Should I show this to mum? I dont want to its embarrasing (why is that btw?)? I think showing it to her could only bring good things. I'm not thinking logically, why would I not show this to her, when theres nothing bad- There is something bad (not actual just imagined). I am sort of a "perfect" child. Jesus that is so vain. Anyway, I dont want to because it would be a hard conversation and I'm lazy and afraid (my life is ruled by fear) (not a good think to think I know) (although maybe it is good, becuase by recognising it I can (maybe?) work toward fixing it). I feel trapped. Trapped between ignoring/dismissing these bad, stupid thoughts as unproductive and unhealthy and self-deprecating, and actually accepting them as true and working towards fixing them. I definitely have an overthinking problem. But there no way for me to know whether I'm actually overthinking or whether these are valid, contructive thoughts. I think It will be very difficult (if not impossible) for me to climb out of this hole by myself. I need help. I need to actualy talk to someone about my feelings. (seekers who are lovers is a great song) I think the happiest peope might be the stupid (ignorance is bliss) people. But are they really that stupid? They're happier than me aren't they? (what a weird thing to think). I dont know enought about them to compare them to me. Why- When did I start having these "deep" thoughts. They're not helpful. I've not been truly happy since primary school. I have had happy moments. But not lasting happiness. I should be using philosphize this as a way to find new perspectives (which I might agree with. I should be more critical), rather than a phrase book for my life. OoOhHh I need to be *eNlIgHtEnEd*. How can I expect myself to have achieved enlightenment by 19. Maybe I am on a track to becoming a "true individual". Or maybe I'm just overthinking. Fear again. I'm afraid of overthinking. Such a pussy. Jesus. Im afraid of being not afraid. I think that If i'm more confident and start to "be myself", people will realise how stupid, boring, and digusting I really am. Was I sexually assaulted by that bitch at soccer practice in primary? (She took me behind the storage container, asked me for a kiss, I said no, she said "close your eyes, promise I wont kiss you" then I closed my eyes, and she kissed me) Sounds fucking stupid right? Am I just looking for something to blame my social anxiety on? I wonder how people who were more seriously abused must feel? In intermediate school (middle school in america I think), I- -did bad things. (future self you know what I did) I'm not sure if I really understood what I was doing. And I dont know how/if it still affects me. Maybe Its why I'm afraid of- 𝄞 I need theerapee 𝄞 (sing song voice) I also might be addicted to porn. I masturbate most nights. I watch some weird porn. Maybe this is why I'm afraid of being a creep? Why I didn't make move that night with larissa? Am I selfish? A self-proclaimed "niceguy"? Why does "niceguy" have bad connotations? Its becuse "niceguy" isn't referring to actual nice guys. It's about dickheads who appear nice and who are actually selfish. Reddit is bad for me. Maybe it can be good. If I follow the right subs. But then I'll still be exposed to the general culture of reddit (I dont even know what I mean the the general culture of reddit). How has reddit benefitted me in a substantial way? - It hasn't. If it had I don't think it would be this hard think of something. Introduced me to OE (is that really a good thing?). Lots of help with calisthenics and mobility. Cool art. Interesting articles about futurology. Although I could have got all those three things just as easily from other places. Whatever, I didn't really miss it that much when I deleted it for a week or two. Same with instagram. It's hard not to feel inadequate. Because I compare myself to others. And judge them, and then project my judgemental nature onto other people and become scared that they'll judge me. Maybe I'm judgemen- . Am I actually judgemental? Yeah, sometimes I look at someone wearing clothes that don't fit my sujective standard of "coolness", and say in my head "why would you wear those stupid, tight jeans". But usually I catch myself, and realise that i'm being judgemental and that they can wear whatever the fuck they want and why should I care. Hmmm on second thought who knows how many times i've subconciously judged people, and discriminated against them because of it? Maybe I'm not so tolerant after all. Maybe I need to "trust my insticts". But how do I know what fucking "instincts" are right, and which are wrong. What if all pedo's trusted their instincts (there must be a lot of people who fantansise but wont act). Yes I know its pretty clear that those intincts are wrong. But not all insticts are so clear cut. Be yourself, but dont be x,y,z What if myself is x,y,z Then dont be myself dumbass. Be yourself, and dont be a dickhead. very Scary Need to have faith that I'm not a dickhead. Need to take a leap of faith into my self-religion. I wonder how many other people are like this? All this thinking hasn't inspired or motivated me one bit. Is it because I keep doubting myself. I ~~maybe~~ shouldn't expect an intropsective thinking session to motivate me. I shouldn't expect to be motivated. I (fuck this) just need to blindly do whatever I think is best in the moment, and trust my judgement, and be confident in my ability to succeed. And not think to hard about it. I ~~think~~ it is nessesary (to learn how to spell that word) to stop and consider the general direction of my life. I.e., set goals and work towards them, while periodically reviewing so that I don't go off track. It's like i'm playing heads down thumbs up, but everyone else has gone to lunch. Like I don't understand the assignment (read: the meaning of life). Obvisously I dont understand the meaning of life. But when doing actual assignments, I tend to just start and then figure it out as I go. Generally it works out ok. Although I rarely put in 100% effort. I could do a lot better If I just put in more effort. This is another I have. Trying to find a balance between studying, and having fun. Yes, a trade off is neccessary (holy shit i think i spelt it right) because no pain no gain blah blah blah need to work hard ooga booga. I think I actually know how to and am capable of being better. But am too lazy, therefore am not capable of doing better. If I am capable of doing better, who don't I? ~~I think~~ ~~People~~ I forget about laziness, and procrastination when setting ~~their~~ my expectations of ~~themselves~~ myself. I set my expectations too high because I tell myself "I wont be lazy this semester". When I look back, my laziness has only got worse, not better.